Where did I go ?
Actually I’m right here , in my kitchen typing. But a year ago I asked myself the question, “where am I”? There had been a cloud swirling around me a cloud made up of stuff ..( kids, husband , house , friends , family , my Brownie troop, extra curricular volunteer activities , husband getting new job , the list went on…) When I stepped back and looked at that cloud of chaos I realized there was nothing of me swirling around. The cloud was filled with other peoples stuff. What the hell happened to my stuff , when did I stop having stuff ? Ok , there was me trying to lose weight , that doesn’t count because I have always been preoccupied with my weight. So where did my stuff go in the swirling cloud ?
Moms put everyone first
My stuff was there but it was deep inside under all the other stuff. I needed to figure out a way to get it out and back on top. The first thing I did was buy some self help books. ( I hate those things but I keep buying them) After shelving those I decided getting back to working out would help. It helps if you go! Next was painting , doing crafty stuff ( nope) , de-cluttering had to be the answer. De- cluttering felt great but really didn’t do anything. Again I had an ah ha moment , maybe I needed to live ! Living life going through the motions is not really living. I needed to decide “Do I want to live a life expected or live the life I want .” My choice was to live for me !
My first step was to shut out the world
I needed to step back from all the things I had been doing for years. Volunteering at the kids school was the first thing I stepped back from. There weren’t any field trips on my calendar and my Brownie troop fell to the wayside. Being home was calming at first and then depression kicked in. Depression and anxiety have been part of my life since I was a teen, putting myself in exile was not the best idea.
I needed to get the hell out of my head and my house , so I did . Once out of my self imposed jail I knew I needed to start being honest with myself and others. I told my Brownie moms that I couldn’t be the leader of our troop anymore. They of course were very supportive and all was good. I also stopped watching 2 of the 3 kids I babysat . 3 kids plus my 3 was too much.
It’s amazing what a Therapist can do
During this period of awakening I stopped filtering my thoughts. Ok, I did filter a little … I do like having people around me (sometimes) . Another thing I did was stopped trying to make everyone happy. I can not control other peoples bullshit- only mine. I also started seeing a Rockstar of a therapist her name is Jax but goes by Psyko Therapist . Jax calls me on my bullshit and gets me to look at shit I didn’t want to.
Jax has me talking to different ages of myself while I sit on my back porch . It’s healing , granted I had a very hard time with it at first. Now I can picture us all sitting and chatting. Don’t judge ! …You can giggle at my back porch discussions but no judging . The reason I brought up my back porch sessions is because that’s where I found my stuff. I’m here ! In each version of me on my back porch we have a common feeling for more. I have felt this way since age 4 and still feel this way. Feeling lost and searching for more makes you feel on the outside of life . This has been a theme my whole life. Maybe this is me? Nope it’s not , I know this because I talked with the other me’s . We decided we just need to move on from the past and let go of the pain. Realizing we have never been alone and we were never on the outside, we just never truly jumped into life. Trying to fit in and do what was expected of me doesn’t leave room for living. Now was the time to stop trying to fit in and just live.
My Future is Bright
I am 100% me know, the good and the bad . I’m pretty sure my kids wish I would occasionally filter myself , but I also know they love me for me. The real me is what I live today. That path I took to please people wasn’t good for me or the real me. I’m choosing to put my stuff first now. Beer Bellies and Stretch Mark is all me and it’s mine. I start each day with writing, and my coffee. I put this at the top of my to do’s because not only is it mine but I know it will be something special for me and hopefully you. Doing Beer Bellies and Stretch Marks is a huge step for me . I never wanted people to see the real me and now I’m writing it for everyone to read , the good the bad and the ugly. If you want to be 100% yourself , take off the filter, and get Naked .
We don’t need to find ourselves , we just need to be ourselves.